he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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