i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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