Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
