Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
