Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
