meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
