Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
