I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
