I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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