I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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