She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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