you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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