i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
she told me i tasted like america
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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