He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
