I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
