Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Found your dick twin last night
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
