just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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