and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
