i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im having a threesome with these popsicles
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
