I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
