We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
