I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
