Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
even my farts smell like vagina
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize