Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
