so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
