I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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