i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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