saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
