i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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