we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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