So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
