Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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