i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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