I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
