i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
