He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
