I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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