Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
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