i think i have two assholes
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He felt like a one man threesome
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
