we have pet lesbian snakes
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
it glows. i had to have it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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