I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
