guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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