I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
