You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
