If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
