Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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