my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
