I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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