You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Never joke about your clitoris.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize