My hand turned me down
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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