i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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