I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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