I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
