I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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