Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
