Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
