the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize