do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
