I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize