sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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