I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
