I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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