Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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