Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
