I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
