wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
