i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
