My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize