remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
