life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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