After last night, I could never be a politician.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
