my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
