I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
