I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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