Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize