I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
