Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
